Siva

In a glance, nothing would seem out of the ordinary in our little setting. Just 3 guys sipping coffee and killing time with nonsensical banter. To an extent, it was true. We were not talking what each of really wanted to. The 2 guys sitting in front of me were the biggest obstacles I had to overcome. They have always been there to taunt me. Both of them had what I so dearly wanted, in the palms of their hands. And they were so ready to throw it all away.

We were classmates in college. Each of us were so different. I don’t believe that it was fate which brought us together. Each of us held a piece the other wanted. I’m Siva – the straight and hard-working guy in class. One of the types who doesn’t miss a class, takes notes and has his future chalked out in front of him. My only aim in life was to get a decent paying job in an IT company. I didn’t have much money to think of higher education. So, here I was in a good college. I was getting good grades. And getting a job should have been a cinch for me. My only piece of bad luck. I was enlightened by Kris and Ganny…

Ganny

It doesn’t feel like 3 years have passed by. Siva’s weak smile is the same as usual. Poor guy needs a class in “not-showing” his each and every emotion. He’s never comfortable meeting people and I guess our reunion is no exception. He he.. Maybe, Kris is also intrigued by his insecurity. If only Siva were more confident, he’d rise miles above Kris and me.

And Kris is as smug as ever. His smile has not lost any of its charm. He’s the same guy who used to think he was miles away from the rest of the crowd. And damn it, he really is an original piece. I’ve seen other geniuses. But even geniuses have doubts. Kris doesn’t. Unlike Siva, I know I can never be Kris. Or Siva for that matter. And I can never hope to reach the heights these 2 were flying at. I’m just happy to fly my kite from the ground.

I remember our first meeting in college. Kris and Siva just started as interesting characters to be with. I don’t know when my curiosity became an obsession. I always make a lot of friends. But somehow, none were as special as these two. Siva had a determination and ambition equalled by none. And this was exactly what Kris sorely lacked. Well, he didn’t care which way his life was headed. He was just the type of guy for whom things just clicked without him trying. They were 2 opposite poles. And both of them didn’t have the slightest interest in how they appeared to others. I still wonder how I came into the picture. Maybe I was a specimen to be analysed by them. Or maybe, it was just because I was their antenna to the outside world. Or the fact that I was going out with a girl both of them liked. But I guess that happened quite late after we met.

Kris

Man, these guys haven’t changed much in 3 years.  Siva is still boring as hell. And he’s still not given up. Ganny is as playful as ever. He he.. He’s still looking at the girls the same way. And worse, they’re also looking at him the same way. Still, it gives me a guilty high to see that they’re still jealous of me. I guess they still don’t realise it. I’m just a shadow of their dreams. I’m not as brilliant as either of them believe me to be. Yes, I can think quick. But my work will never be as good as Siva’s. And I’ll never be able to be as social as Ganny. I still have too high an ego to approach people with ease.

But, I’ll always be the king of my island and frankly speaking, who needs more than that. Well, I need more than that. I want the innocence which Siva has. I want the charm which Ganny has. I don’t want the lives of Siva or Ganny. I just wish I could think like Siva and act like Ganny. I wish I could not be the Kris whom these 2 admire. Wishful thinking, I know. But still, I don’t feel so alone with these 2 around me. Siva doesn’t know loneliness. He cares only for his family and I guess, for the 2 of us. Ganny knows how to handle loneliness. He’s the only guy I know who can speak to any person straight from his heart without hesitation. That’s why he’s got Priya while I’m stuck watching romantic movies.

Oh well, here’s our coffee.

Ganny: Hey! How are you guys ? Been such a long time…

—end of part 1—

American Beauty

Well, I’m just doing what most bloggers do when they hit a block – write about favorite movies, books, etc. No harm doing it too since these movies are simply a must-watch in my collection.

This is one movie which has totally captivated me. And this is also a movie which surprised me because people who I respect to have similar tastes as myself don’t  quite appreciate this little gem. For one, the movie has awesome dialogues. Quite a few of my favorite quotes are from this movie. I’ll just state one – “It’s a great thing when you realise you still have the ability to surprise yourself.“

If you unravel the movie of its sexual themes, dysfunctional family, drugs, job, social eccentricities, etc., it might just reveal something quite beautiful. Just dwell on these lines – “I am a freak and I’ll always be a freak… And you’ll never be a freak coz you’re just too.. perfect“. Well, in my opinion, the movie actually defines crazyness as  normal. Guess that statement wouldn’t make sense to many. And of course, that’s just one bit of the movie.  Add to that the sexual themes and the entire package. It sort of explains why I don’t have much company in liking this movie. And which actually makes me quite proud.

Life is Beautiful (La Vita è bella)

This is a movie which I’m yet to hear any people dislike (except for my roommate who slept within 10 mins of the movie..exception cases). Now, if you haven’t seen this one, you can’t call yourself a movie lover. I couldn’t imagine of any better character to symbolise optimism and moral strength. It’s a war movie with a difference. Unlike Schindler’s List and Hotel Rwanda (2 other movies which I admire, but will not be discussing here), this movie looks at war in a totally different angle.

I was in fact searching for quotes which would describe the movie in totality.  In fact, the title is the only quote which could describe the movie. It’s actually delightful that all the quotes made by the hero are extremely light-hearted and  would not convey the gravity which the situations in the movie carry.  A movie that would truly make you think at the end of it – “Life is beautiful“.

City of God (Cidade de Deus)

It’s getting weird that one more foreign language film makes it into my favorite film list. But “City of God” is a definitive mafia movie. Unlike Godfather (not really my favorite since I like the book more), this one doesn’t even slightly try to glorify gangsters. Sure, it shows that gangsters are human. Just that they live by a different set of rules – you may call it ethics if you may. The right way to put this film in words is – it will shake your frame of reference. For example, you would even see kids killing without the slightest hesitation and the disturbing aspect is – it doesn’t seem out of place. The movie has a very relaxed feel to it. It’s almost as if the movie doesn’t take itself seriously even while conveying a very strong message. And the movie in Tamil which was ’supposedly’ inspired by this (Pudupettai) is also worth watching in my opinion.

Grave of the Fireflies (Hotaru no haka)

Anime is my personal favorite. And if I remember right, this was the first anime movie I took the trouble of downloading. The animation quality is not that great considering the movie’s made in 1988. The movie is pretty slow. And it’s the most depressing movie I’ve ever seen. And despite all that, I love the movie !!

It’s again about war without actually showing any violence. And you’d really have to be heartless if a tear or two doesn’t trickle from your eyes. It’s not a movie you’d enjoy watching countless times. But it’s the sort of movie you can’t erase from your memories after one watch. The characters really behave like real children. And the story seems straight out of a Dickens novel. The ending of the movie is known right away. But you’d find yourself rooting for the siblings as they plod on with determination and have their moments of joy even when their very next day seems hopeless. The movie is actually summed up by a comment from IMDb – “The best movie you’ll never want to see again “. Beleive me, it’s a painful movie to sit through. But it’s something that is a work of art. Nothing less.

Requiem for a Dream

I must really apologise to the light-hearted folks. All my selections have been getting progressively darker. And Requiem’s a perfect example of a dark movie. Unlike many other movies on drug addiction, you don’t see a ray of hope at the end. This movie is more powerful than any anti-drug documentary could ever hope to be in its dreams. It holds back no punches and accurately shows the descent into drugs, the highs and of course, the rockbottom.

And like the other movies in my list, the common thread is – it’s so real it’s scary. The funny thing is I’ve already disclosed the basic premise of the story and even if you know the ending and what to expect from the movie, the journey is an absolute roller-coaster without any seatbealts.

When Harry Met Sally

For a change, a romance movie fits into my list. Now, the above movies might give the impression that I just love the twisted movies. On contarry, I also enjoy the simple love stories. There are a lot of really good ones like “My Sassy Girl“, “As Good as it Gets“, “Titanic“, “Amelie“, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind“. But somehow, Harry met Sally has something special. Maybe it’s because of Harry’s cynical nature or Sally’s high maintenance, somehow the 2 of them seem to have real chemistry. Harry and Sally are in no way ideal people. If you met a person like either of them outside the movie, you’re very likely to just ignore them. Maybe that’s what makes it special. And not to mention some very powerful dialogue. I’m a guy who loves good dialogues and this movie has plenty of it. But other than the dialogue and the 2 characters, the rest of the cast and the story might very well be out of a Bollywood movie. But still, I love it and that’s what matters. Not to mention, it did inspire “Hum Tum“. But that was not even close to the original.

There are so many more movies that I want to write about. I’ve been seeing on TV about 50 movies that you have to watch before you die. Amazingly, I can now think of as many movies that have captivated me. So many good movies and so many more that I’ve not yet seen. At the end of writing this, I almost get the feeling of having seen these movies over again. Incomparable.

Just read this old post of mine by chance.

http://samraj.wordpress.com/2007/07/11/classroom-rants/

“Today I had an exceedingly packed schedule from 9AM to 8.30PM. And to add salt to injury, I had the worst “gas” classes imaginable such as “Soft Skills”, HR, DBMS and more crap. I wrote the following stuff during my GSBD (Global Sourcing and Business Development) class.

Why the fuck am I sitting in this class? I am not listening to anything he says. And he doesn’t seem to give a shit about it. All I hear are jargons like exports, imports, quality and such nonsensical words which for some odd reason make me want to puke. In fact, the entire class is a joke. Out of 46 people, there about 20 people in class. A few guys are recording (yes, they ‘record’) all the bullshit that the prof spouts. I’ve got nothing against the prof. It’s just that I’ve got nothing to like about him either. These ‘recorder’ dudes actually seem to enjoy this freakshow. Then, there are the few guys who try in vain to act like they’re listening. I also do this at times. It’s not the fault of these guys – years of education has conditioned them to act in this mindless fashion. Then, there are the others who do whatever they wish – read the papers, do crosswords, catch up on the latest gossip or like me, rant about the studpidity of the whole thing. To reiterate my actual point, what the fuck am I doing ?

PS: This rant was written when I was exceedingly bored, had nothing to read and was in no mood to gossip. But it’s pretty accurate for most boring classes anyway.”

And boy, I just found another definition of irony. The subject (Global Sourcing and Business Development) which I was so frustrated with is the closest one to my current job. Ha. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it then. I can now remember the old Sahib droning on about EXIM norms while I was ranting away to glory. There were about 10 students in class. The usual 3-4 guys taking notes in front of the prof. The rest of the guys playing around, sleeping or chattering at the back. And me, who had to sit in just for attendance and was just bored. I didn’t hate the subject. I just didn’t find anything to love about it. So, I just started questioning my very existence. Not in the universe or something. Just my existence in that class. And voila, a half-baked rant was born.

Now, I’m talking sourcing, development, strategy and stuff like that for more than half my waking hours. Life’s like that. You think something’s shit and it might just turn out to be something you like. And you will be reminded of the irony so that you just stop and think – “Life has a weird sense of humour !!”

Chocolate or strawberry ?

Maths Homework or Max Payne ?

Chemistry class or Rajni movie ?

Engineer or Doctor ?

Mechanical or Electronics ?

Job or higher studies ?

India or abroad ?

Money or satisfaction ?

Friend or lover ?

Wife or parents ?

CBSE or ICSE ?

Home or Office ?

Agree or disagree ?

You or me ?

Yesterday or today ?

Hold on or Let go ?

Chocolate or strawberry ?

The Marine Drive was its usual pompous, glittery self. Couples lost in themselves, teenagers looking on with envy, kids having their share of fun and few who were free from their troubles for a moment. But Rahul was seeing none of this as he sped on in his cab. Only one thought filled his head, “Have I really matured ?”. He was not looking for the answer. The answer was the cause of his concern.

He got a call from Joe after ages. And as always, he was too busy to attend. But he could not ignore the number. He was thrilled and, for some reason even he couldn’t comprehend, he was also a bit scared. He called him back. The friend who had been closest to him. The guy who had played with him every evening. The guy who always grinned ear-to-ear, even when they knelt together for the teacher’s punishment. The guy who had liked the same girl he did. And had stopped speaking to her when she dumped his friend. The guy who had meant more than life itself. The guy who had moved out of Rahul’s life, just as Rahul started moving out of his home.

Joe was in town and wanted to meet. Rahul was delighted and agreed to meet him in the evening. He didn’t mention that he was tired. That he needed a hot shower. Or that he had a deadline to meet the next day. He knew this was special. This coulnd’t wait. He couldn’t wait. Memories flooded back to him. He remembered the pranks, the girl, the physics teacher, the school terrace… So many things that he couldn’t wait for the evening. And evening came in its glorious beauty. The type of beauty which you see only when you look for it. That day, Rahul saw the setting sun spread its orange wings across the horizon. He wanted the evening to be perfect. This was not a girlfriend he was meeting. This was not his soulmate. This was the boy who had made his childhood special.

As with all friends who meet after a long time, he was really surprised to see him. Joe was no more the scrawny kid. He had an athletic build now. The usual grin was no more. It was replaced by a gentle smile which bloomed as their eyes locked. Their eyes never broke contact as Rahul approached Joe. They hugged for a moment and oddly, it seemed that for the first time ever, they shook hands. Rahul was afraid that Joe might be in trouble. But he seemed quite fine. It actually looked like both friends had found their pots of gold at the ends of the rainbow. They reminisced about the past. They asked about friends and found that neither knew much about anyone else. As they talked, they started feeling at ease. For a brief moment, Joe laughed out loud at a joke. At that moment, Rahul felt like he had stepped back in time. He desperately wanted to hold on to it. But that moment vanished as quickly as it appeared. As time ran out on them, Joe lit his cigarette. It was now time to go. They shook hands. Joe said, “I really had a good time. It’s been great to see you”. And it seemed that his smile had become softer as he said, “You have become mature, man. I’m glad to see that you’re doing good”. Rahul smiled a bit shyly. They shook hands and left after promising that they’ll meet whenever Joe was in Mumbai.

As he sped in the cab along the Marine Drive, Rahul kept asking himself, “I’ve become mature, have I ?” He smiled at himself. The smile was the same as Joe’s. A smile of helplessness. He remembered everything again…the pranks, the girl, the physics teacher, the terrace and also Joe’s grin. He knew that the times he had as a kid could never come back. He knew that both of them had changed somewhere along the way.

As they grew from boys to men and as grins became smiles.

Vacant eyes,

Looking nowhere,

Not lingering in the past,

Nor looking forward to the future,

Never lonely even being alone.

When you see the grains of time

slip by and yet feel no rush.

Not trying to control,

Yet fully in control.

Your reason for existence being

Just to find that reason.

When laughter gave way to a smile

And tears became a memory

Of a distant past when it mattered.

And how ironic can it be

When you win, without trying,

That which you had tried so hard,

And shed your last tears trying.

—————————————————

Again, a post after a long time. Not so structured or well-thought. Just a random thread of thoughts.

Before anyone asks me, I’m not depressed and I’ve not had a break-up. It’s from my heart and yet not a direct reflection of me. So, figure me out if you so wish to

I’ve had my first taste of a long distance relationship now – me and the net. Oh all right! Before I sound any more geeky, I’ll just start off by apologizing for what’s been my longest break from blogging after starting sometime a year back. Funny! I started blogging since I was frustrated with my first corporate exposure and now I’ve almost stopped again because of my job. I used to have a theory why people change jobs in their first 2 years. We always have unrealistic and fantastic expectations of their first step into career. And when the reality of the working environment hits us, we get pissed off and it often takes a while and umpteen jumps here and there before we come back to ground. But for me, my first job has given me more than I’ve dreamed of. Well maybe I’m just a weird guy who just doesn’t expect anything for himself or maybe I’m just always happy with what I get. Well, just a lot of maybes here. But anyway, I’ve loved the ride till here. And the ticket I’ve got promises a lot more fun ahead. Well yeah, I’m boasting. And more boasting to follow.

Ok. I’ll spare the business talk for those who want to hear it. I don’t want to talk about what I’m gonna do in my job. I’m still in training and my role promises to be a mixture of local as well as global operations & communication. At least, I get to see the strategic vision of my company’s growth. Suffice to say that it sounds really juicy. Enough of talking shop. I’ve had a splendid time in Mumbai. I’m staying in a great apartment, on the 23rd floor, in a great locality, seeing the sea on one side and skyscrapers the other side, with a guy to cook and do laundry. I get to stay here for a year. Everyone’s dream in Mumbai right ?? (Hmm..just needs a hot girl to set the picture right). Well anyway, that’s just where my dream run starts!! We started day 1 by going to Sinhgad fort near Pune. Me and the 11 other management trainees (MTs..aka purple stars in the company lingo) had a team building session there and amazingly, it really worked. So, after a great start, we were back to presentations and knowledge sharing from people from the top management of the company. And to our delight, they were very down-to-earth people. Maybe a bit flashy at times, but still great company to have around.

We did a lot of stuff during our brief induction, which seemed like forever then and too short now. We had a welcome party at a jazzy disc (polyester for anyone familiar with mumbai night life) with a really corny skit, drinks and dance. Dancing with the MD and the real top guys is the best way a company can welcome you. We had a trip to Kochi to visit the cocoa plantations – something which my company is quite proud of. We stayed in a very nice place and had a real blast. And add to that, a very enlightening Market visit in Mira Road and a CSR visit (aka. excruciatingly long trek up the hills) across tribal villages outside Mumbai (yea..tribals outside Mumbai, you heard me right). Also add a dash of Mumbai night life – pubs, movies, plays, restaurants. To top that off, a bike trip to Alibaug followed next week by a 3 day rocking conference in Goa- viola! you got a recipe for a time you’d cherish for your life. Or at least till the next year !

PS: Still no net for me in Mumbai. Am on a ultra-short vacation back home. So, I can’t guarantee when my next post will be.

Carefree as I am,
Living in the present
Forgetting the past
And oblivious to the future.

Now my present changes,
I remember the past
A mixture of nostalgia
And nothingness.

Will I still be the same,
As I look into the future
A mixture of anxiety
And hope.

Unable to go back,
Unsure of staying,
Unwilling to go forward,
And afraid of change.

Letting go,
Will I fly or fall
As I leave my nest
To make my mark in the skies.

I used to believe
In simple principles of life
Till life taught me
They’re not as simple as they seem

I used to believe
In speaking the truth
Till my dear ones taught me
To hide lies within truth

I used to believe
In doing unto others, as I wished them to do unto me
Till the world taught me
To do unto others, as they would do unto me

I used to believe
That love given would be returned
Till my love taught me
That love was blind

I used to believe
That my beliefs made my self
Till my lost beliefs taught me
That I was no more the man I was

I used to believe
That God was within me
Till my empty self led me
To find a belief which would not betray me

I used to believe
In the pursuit of happiness
Finally I found it
In the beliefs I had given up

————————————————-

PS: This is my first blog post after maybe 2 months. I’ve been chilling out at home in the same time. Not much has happened in the meantime. For some odd reason, I’ve developed a writer’s block at home. Maybe laziness, maybe a lack of creativity. However, more blogs to follow..

All out of the blue, my pals invited me to go along to Corbett National Park. And since I had nothing better to do (in fact, nothing to do), I was very happy to go. We booked a ticket in the afternoon, boarded the train in the night and viola, we were on our way to Corbett. In the morning, we landed at Ramnagar. There, we rented 2 rooms inside the park and hired a Gypsy (the gypsy car, not the fortune telling kind). We were 6 guys and fitted perfectly in the car – no more, no less. We went first to our rooms and were pleasantly surprised to find not just 2 rooms, but an entire cottage with a dining table, fireplace, kitchen, verandah and a huge clearing surrounded by thick woods. It was picture perfect. We then took our guide along with us into the jungle for the safari.

At first, we didn’t see any animals in our safari. We went through the thick woods and saw a few deer at times. The real safari started when we entered the grasslands. We stood on our seats and rode with the wind in our hair (and the dust that came with it). We saw lots of deer (sambhar, barking, etc.), wild boar, peacocks, mongoose, elephants and eagles. But we didn’t come across a single tiger in the country’s largest tiger reserve.

Anyway, we were not too thrilled with our safari. But I guess we thought too soon. On our way back, we came across a female elephant and her kids in the middle of the road. They refused to budge despite the advances of our car. To add to our worries, a male elephant (tusker) was grazing at the side of the road. With a mixture of caution and urgency, the guide tried to scare away the mother elephant. We contributed with our share of noises. The kid elephants wandered away. But the mother still stood there tearing the bark of the nearby trees. It was truly an awesome sight. We tried to sneak past the grazing elephant. But just as we neared her, she turned around in a flash which seemed impossible for such a huge animal. Then, she let out a loud trumpet and seemed to charge us. That single moment was extremely scary. The driver drove reverse as fast as he possibly could. He looked almost like he’d just pissed his pants. Thankfully, the elephant strolled away and we drove safely back to our cottage.

In the evening, we played some football with a miniature rugby ball and then played cards. The cottage had electricity only for 3 hours in the night. We were served rotis, rice and sabzi straight from the kitchen. The home-cooked feel along with the dinner table and fireplace really perked us up. After dinner, the electricity ran out. We were in pitch darkness in the middle of the forest. The caretaker had given us candles without any matches. As we stepped out of the cottage, we were amazed by the streaming moonlight which brightened our clearing. And we were equally scared to see innumerable glowing eyes looking at us from the woods bordering the clearing. The setting was as chilling as it could possibly get. Surrounded by wild animals and listening to wild noises, as we stood there bathed in an eerie moonlight, we truly felt powerless in the hands of nature. We called out to the caretaker and after numerous attempts, he came out with a lantern. He looked very scared for a guy who’s been living there for so many years. He gave us the matches and hurried back.

We spent the night in candle light and befitting to the atmosphere, we started telling ghost stories (or rather supernatural incidents) – like the one about the house in which no one lived beyond 50, or the one about the house in which the first children were all born with disabilities (I even told my spooky poem about the murdering father). As some guys started getting really scared with the stories, we turned the conversation to psychology. Illuminated by candlelight, we spoke of ego, love, relationships, fears, joys and a lot more. We shared our perceptions about each other and learnt a lot more about each other. The night we spent in the dark was the most memorable and enjoyable part of the trip. Finally, we went to sleep with animal noises ringing in our ears. In the morning, we found out that an elephant had been near our cottage.

The next day, we played some more football, had our breakfast and left on another safari. This time around, all of us just slept in the car. In the evening, we went back to Ramnagar and visited a barrage to kill some time. We had loads of fun walking across the fast flowing water. Finally, we went back to the railway station at night, had dinner and boarded our train back to Delhi. Only after getting back to Delhi did I really start feeling tired and worn out.

Total expenses – Rs. 1800. The experience – priceless.